My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished