My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I occasionally drink every single night.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”