Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

We don’t deserve birds.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.