Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

the answer was staring at me all along

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

lmfao come on

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta