Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I am all good here, 😂😉

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978