Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Guantanamo Bae

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.