My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.