My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Omg 🤣
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…