Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away