Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.