My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”