My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??