My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
You Might Also Like
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
That’s classic.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Damn he played himself
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Flowers bee like
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?