My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Every house has this drawer
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.