Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.