My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
it must be school picture day
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*