Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Uh oh…

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!