My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The honesty is refreshing
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.