my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
#have a #great #PancakeDay
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course