my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
79.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
No one can handle that
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?