my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
(Electricians.)
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
who wore it better?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.