my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.