my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
This meal prepping shit easy
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.