My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This could be us… but you playing
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.