My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
As the Lord intended
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒