My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I’m playing dead😭
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police