My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.