Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

rich people when they have to pay taxes

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.