Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling