My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.