My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Ice skating is like walking in cursive