My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies