Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

A Short Story.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave