My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
this came to me in a vision
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving