My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994