My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Pregnant:
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months