Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.