Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.