Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs