My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
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Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens