My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
You Might Also Like
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Don’t tell me what to do
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?