My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone