My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
🧠
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.