My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
😏😏😏
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs