My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
