My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You Might Also Like
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
this isn’t threatening at all
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one