My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.