My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Isn’t
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated