Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

😂🐾

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.