My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
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Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables