My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hotels are back
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80