My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
whatcha thinkin bout
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes