My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I told my vodka about you.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels