Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.