My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Tapped in
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.