My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.