My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
You Might Also Like
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Nice try Hitler
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake