Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

i wonder why they stopped looking

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Every time my phone rings

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.