Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.