Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.