@MyHairyLife

My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.

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@Mom_Overboard

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

@SortaBad

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@Blondiethegood

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

@UberFacts

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

@lazerdoov

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

@Marlebean

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

@fro_vo

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*