I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*eye beams obliterate Storm*