My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.

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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish


“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.


There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.


A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.


Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.


40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant


Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*



“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*