my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.