my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You Might Also Like
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner