Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.