My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
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bros in the example zone 😭
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Good morning
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I put the p in pants.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.