My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
translated into Canadian
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
This anagram machine is out of order.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
584.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
