My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not