Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?
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Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?
Choosing dog food is hard.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad