@HereComesCunty

My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?

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@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

@TheWhaleFacts

Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@Pork_Chop_Hair

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

@LinajkReturns

Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

@Wenderella22

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest

@ArfMeasures

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

@Snarfernini

He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad