[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”