My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.