Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

They got Raph!

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.