Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Based Erika

Now colored!

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*