Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

seriously you guys

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist