My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How to properly lift a body
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.