My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Good advice.
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Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.