My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Reminder:
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal